My mind is so full of thoughts now and I think I’m going to explode if I don’t write it down. Problems seems everywhere and the main reason it happened is –tadadadadadaadadadam– me.
It’s me who can not do time management.
It’s me who always being selfish, whiny, self-centered-person-who-thinks-the-world-is-revolves-around-me, ugly, unattractive, not confident, boring, quiet, introvert, anything myself hate, and at the same time asking myself to always think positive.
It’s me who can not be a good daughter.
It’s me who always questioning Him, why this why that why why why why why.
It’s me who always think that I am cursed, but I can not think about that because I remember the Quran verse about how He act like our prejudice, but I see the life I am living now, and I keep thinking about how I am cursed, and so on. Full circle.
It’s me who have strong principle not to be a reacher but nothing came and I don’t know what to do. Should I wait? Should I reach? Is it fate? I am asking the same question for years, and it never answered. I am tired. I know the word ikhtiar but when you don’t know what to reach and what to chase, you will be lost. I never got my answer. I want my answer…….. Is it that hard? What if there are none? What if I shall be one forever? What if he is not the one?
It’s me who confused about my future. I want to get as much money as I can, of course. So I can make my family worry about what they really need no more. I want them to be happy. But I hate if I have to be another slave. Another person who do the job she doesn’t love and surrender to reality that she has to love what she have. Another person who spent 2 months of a year on the street. But I need to travel around the world. It’s my dream, the biggest one. I need to see the world as wide as possible. Therefore, I need money. But I want to give value as much as I can to humanity. To the world. I don’t think I can do it if I am being a corporate slave. Fuck the system.
I have to write much more to make myself calm.. Don’t worry, I am calm now. My definition of calm is calm at the outside and inside. I am not calm inside now. Not in my mind.