Strange Times, Strong Why

Three decades are enough to realize many things.

Even though my earliest memories might be at 3-year-old, proper memory at 6, I think.. so-called contemplations at 18 to early twenties–turns out it was nothing real–and deeper, sudden realizations just at 5 years past. When I looked back to my younger years, I can say that I was so naive (lol who doesn’t)

That my parents were right, but also that they are humans who make mistakes too.

That I am also ahead of my time for some silly things and that I am behind for many things.

That the religion I was taught since childhood has so much deeper meaning and I hate that I don’t know it earlier but maybe that’s how the world works?? The players have to gain enough XP to absorb the real meaning of that scroll??

That some of them are how the world works, and how the rest shouldn’t be normalized.

That some things are out of our control, and the rest is our part.

That I will forget–lol, looking back at previous year posts and I already don’t know what I meant, but I also thank myself that I wrote.

It is also enough to realize what makes me really happy, or.. maybe the right word is not happy, it is content. Also to realize what makes me upset, and how to prevent it, and also how to let it go.

One of them is the why. Most of my regrets are the ones when I have weak reasons. For example, when I joined division A instead of B just because I think my crush would be on division A (loooooool major regret). Or when I continue my study just because it was free and I had nothing to do.

On the other side, having a strong why hindered me from doing anything. Why? Because I will not do anything until it clicks. I still don’t know what I will do with my life besides pushing through, but at least now I know what to look for and what to do in that pushing through, thanks to the frameworks I use in my current job.

So like having kids just because? Applying to any grad school just because? Based on my own experiences, it is not a wise thing to do.

Back to the reflections.

That everything has its own timeline and prayers do help me a lot. Being submitted is the best thing I hace done and it does miracles. If it isn’t, I don’t know what to explain why I have been unloved all this time and I got married at the time that it is the least likely to get a relationship, let alone getting married? (Yes, spoiler alert, last-year me)

That being mediocre is okay. I mean, statistically, realistically, even if we are the best in one domain, we will be mediocre in others. Back to my points ‘the why’: why would someone want to be the best in the first place? Just to get validation?

That I don’t need to be ultimately good at your hobbies, that hobbies are for having fun.

That everything and everyone is changing, and it’s okay to have broken past and present.

This is not to say that my problems are solved, or I have unlimited patience, or that I have been “selesai dengan diri sendiri“. Like in every project that I have been to, the identification part is the key.

That done is much better than perfect.

I have learned so much but those texts above are the ones I remember for now and I thank Him for all of this. Alhamdulillah always.

Please pray for me so I can have a strong why to great ‘projects’ in my life: entering marriage life, having kids, school, etc.

That’s all, but I think this picture is appropriate:

N

2007

The pandemic was supposed to end on Jun 3rd, said some people. Even at that time, it is a ridiculous prediction.

Started playing some games from Steam: Don’t Starve Together and Stardew Valley. Hehe. Don’t Starve was a dark survival games while Stardew Valley was a lighter farm simulation one. That was my first experience of doing co-op on different timezones.

Life was ‘back to normal’. My dentist started accepting appointments again, I went to the office building (once) to take my ordered laptop, donated blood again, etc. Well, dad really hooked by Zoom with his friends and the old notebook really didn’t match up the requirements.

The cat also started to enter our house more frequently, especially in the morning for food and somehow learned how to catch our attention: by knocking the glass. Cuteeeeeeeeee af.

I also run out of objects in the house for the one second everyday video. Help.

2006

Wow, so many frames of the cat! He is still here a year later, with no official name from the family rather than that cat, despite many cats come and go. Yes, that white-and-gray coated cat who finally get permission to enter our house (by my dad).

June was also the month when I prepared for longer term of working from home. No complaints, of course! I bought desk, chair, and also stopped the kosan. Bye the best room in the kosan 😦

Twitter also rolled out the limited reply and I was being a snob for getting it first lolll. But until a year later, I think I only used them twice. Maybe once.

Continuing my watercolor exploration, tried many better papers for painting, watching classes on YouTube.. Also hooked to Aang and finally finished the series to the end and following up with the comics. I remember some of the episodes, especially the epic finale, buat I never really watch all the episodes. An excellent story!

It was also the chillest time of all, and we did a big event at the company which took monitoring time 3 days non stop. Wow~ And of course, there was an embarassing blooper that the culprit might want to forget hahahaha..

2003

Here it is. The last month I saw my co-workers in person. We all know what happened. The month that feels like a year. Afterwards, my 1SE feels like the same videos lol. To think that I write this a year later and the end of the tunnel is still yet for us to see?

The first conference call in pandemic.. Buying microphone for better call (only used for like a month lol), checking on doctor because I have symptoms, watching movie in theater for the last time, starting iOS course on Swift Playground, and starting to snip mundane things in my house…

2001

Ah, those months before the pandemic. Life seems peaceful and lovely.. well, it’s always like that when you watch it in hindsight, especially when you watch it in the middle of the storm. I joined the Tembokpedia Bandung batch, and I am happy that I can share my Manggarai experience to them. We only had two weeks! That month I also had stomachache because… I forgot to eat. Classic me. I also receive a feedback which made me stutter and cried (lol) but it’s for my own good. Alhamdulillah. And finally I got the better room with better light and air circulation! So happy! Alhamdulillah again.

Also, that cute white-and-gray kitten has started to steal our hearts.. until the day I wrote this post. She was so small and independent 🥺 She basically made us her servants.

But I can’t say the same for the black kitten. She was so clingy and precious, I can’t imagine myself being like that to anyone, but well that attitude already stole my heart. Too bad she never come again.. I hope she has found the right servants who serve her right.

P.S. If you can’t sneeze, go out and stare at the sun–it works!

1912

Ah, the last month of the 2019. In hindsight, everything looked innocent and fun. As always, cats, food, talks, road. Rain, also rain. It was a draining month in a sense, especially in emotional department. Some revelations are shocking and I take it as a way from Him to save me. Of course, the emotional burden was in guessing whether to try or move on. Whether I am still not worth it or it is a way to save me. But if it is a way to save me, why did He even bother to write this on my journey? Is it just better if there isn’t any? There must be something to learn.

I also tried archery for the first time and went to art exhibition after a long time. It was fun and not too crowded. My favorite kind of exhibition. There is also baby Yoda in The Sims 4 (at that time I haven’t watched The Mandalorian and still thought that it is Yoda in baby form). Finally, the year ended in heavy rain. I already planned to walk to Gambir from HI, missed the last bus (lol), can’t find any taxi or ojek, want to cry, but finally passed the new year sleeping in train and arrived in my hometown the next day. Turns out, there was a heavy flood in Jakarta. What a way to start 2020… a (insert adjective here) year…

A Thinking Person’s Guide to Islam: The Essence of Islam in 12 Verses from the Qur’an

The first time I took notice of this book’s title, I know that I need to read it right away. The ‘thinking’ word made me wonder if the book will answer many of my questions about Islam. Someone told me in the past that religion should be felt by heart, whatever that means. Maybe some people do, but I can’t. I always need answers to my questions. In a way, I agree on the ‘heart’ part, but maybe the path for anything to go to my heart is through thinking first? I don’t know.

So after visiting the book page on Amazon and also Wardah Books Singapore million times, realizing that there is no Kindle version, finally the book arrived through the hands of my friend, Dea.

I really love the fact that the author made the chapters’ title as questions, such as “What is religion?”, “Why did God create people?”, “What is ‘the heart’?”, “What is the ’shar’iah’?”, “What is government?”. In short, many of those questions are already inside my head before. In every chapter, there is a section ‘Why is it important to know all of this?’. Ooooh, I love the ‘Why’.

So what was the book all about? The book will give some answers regarding:

• Religion
• Islam
• Our Lord
• The reason God create people
• Heaven and hell
• Qur’an
• Prophet Muhammad SAW
• The heart
• Worldly life
• Shari’ah
• Jihad
• Government

Every chapter is started with a verse that summarises the theme. Then the chapter will discuss deeply, starting with the meaning and/or definition of the word in Quran Arabic (also the meaning of its triliteral root word), and how the word is used in the entire Quran. Of course, we will see many Quran verses cited here and there, but interestingly there are also ancient and modern poems featured. Each chapter is very interesting that I can’t help but want to capture it all in my own notes so I won’t forget many things it taught me.

To think that I will find a poem that also cited on A Song of Ice and Fire here..

After all the explanation, the chapters will be wrapped up in ‘Why is it important to know all of this?’. This is very helpful to me to remember what is being discussed. I wish every non-fiction I read include this in every chapter.

There are also some bonuses, discussing happiness according to Qur’an (my favorite), the big tent of Islam, and extensive research on ISIS/Daesh. Daesh part is actually the longest part of all (~60 pages from total 295 pages), but it will give you many answers that you might have asked about Daesh. And what about them? Well, in short, of course, they use different interpretations. The keyword is ‘anti-usuli’, but you should read more on this book, of course 😉

All in all, I will recommend this book as essential for knowing the basic of Islam, for anyone who is interested.

xoxo

N

Welcome to my crib

This is an attempt of closure post since the original is too blurry and it is just not as what I intended if you see it twice on timeline 😭 Damn. Must be a mistake on my part to upload the compressed ones since I too try to upload it first on other accounts (and the app saved it).

This post is actually a cry for help @ God since it is becoming much more improbable to own a nice house for us young people without it is too far from the city and we still don’t have good public transportation system. And well I had too much free time?

So here we are..

Original caption:

Welcome to my crib! Dari dulu pengen banget punya rumah sendiri, di daerah yang mudah diakses (biar commute gampang, murah, dan ga capek ke mana-mana), desain sesuai keinginan, dan lunas sebelum umur aku 30 tahun. Banyak yang bilang ga mungkin, tapi aku percaya mimpi itu bisa diwujudkan bagaimanapun bentuknya. Alhamdulillah, dengan berusaha keras dan tak lupa berdoa, aku berhasil punya rumah sendiri di Brindleton Bay, seharga 49,000 simoleon, lunas. Semuanya mungkin! Asal kamu punya The Sims dan ctrl + shift + c dan masukkan ‘motherlode’. #playwithlife

Untuk desain eksterior dan interiornya sendiri ga mau macam-macam, yang penting terang dan sesuai budget. Rumah terang pangkal tagihan listrik hemat. Jadi di atas atap dipasang genteng kaca biar sinar matahari masuk dengan lancar. Kemudian ada sofa di jendela supaya mudah ngepoin tetangga dan taman depan rumah.

Akhirnya, tentu saja, bisa dilihat di foto terakhir, setelah lelah mengurus berdirinya rumah ini, aku pun kembali ke kamar… dan memainkan The Sims.

Please @etemzone like this as you said that time—I need validation.
#thecrib #thesims4 #thesims #stayandplay #quarantine #🤪

1911

I went to the second session with my therapist. Well, it feels good. And to get diagnosed as overthinker by a professional sure feel different. “Don’t think too much! Be more spontaneous!”, she said. After those words, now I can not help but think, “Wow, yeah, I do overthink.. in almost everything!”. That’s why I am not getting anything done, and it stressed me out, and then I fell into vortex of recursive “not-doing-anything-because-I-think-too-much”.

I continue the Tembokpedia batch 2 volunteering to the final day where the volunteers, together with the children, painted the wall with educational murals. Then, my knee hurt so bad and turns out I can not push my knee to overwork any more. Ugh, sucks (haha to be fair I already feel this way since years ago, but somehow, it was getting worse that I can not do sujud in my prayer). I also finally attend Ustad Nouman Ali Khan lecture, after years only listening on his video and lately podcasts. The lecture was so beautiful.. about human creation in the eye of God, and also touching the mental health issues.

1910

Nothing really special. I tried to go volunteering in Tembokpedia batch 2 since I like drawing and painting but never had a good chance to do it. Tried Inktober too, and finally let go of the mental image of Timothée Chalamet letting go of his summer love with Vision of Gideon as a background. Art.

Also finding out that the sound of the video a bit off and I have to edit it or else it always be further than the video. Damn. A bug? I don’t know, I am learning iMovie for this. Oh, and I got my secondhand Kindle, finally 🙂