Strange Times, Strong Why

Three decades are enough to realize many things.

Even though my earliest memories might be at 3-year-old, proper memory at 6, I think.. so-called contemplations at 18 to early twenties–turns out it was nothing real–and deeper, sudden realizations just at 5 years past. When I looked back to my younger years, I can say that I was so naive (lol who doesn’t)

That my parents were right, but also that they are humans who make mistakes too.

That I am also ahead of my time for some silly things and that I am behind for many things.

That the religion I was taught since childhood has so much deeper meaning and I hate that I don’t know it earlier but maybe that’s how the world works?? The players have to gain enough XP to absorb the real meaning of that scroll??

That some of them are how the world works, and how the rest shouldn’t be normalized.

That some things are out of our control, and the rest is our part.

That I will forget–lol, looking back at previous year posts and I already don’t know what I meant, but I also thank myself that I wrote.

It is also enough to realize what makes me really happy, or.. maybe the right word is not happy, it is content. Also to realize what makes me upset, and how to prevent it, and also how to let it go.

One of them is the why. Most of my regrets are the ones when I have weak reasons. For example, when I joined division A instead of B just because I think my crush would be on division A (loooooool major regret). Or when I continue my study just because it was free and I had nothing to do.

On the other side, having a strong why hindered me from doing anything. Why? Because I will not do anything until it clicks. I still don’t know what I will do with my life besides pushing through, but at least now I know what to look for and what to do in that pushing through, thanks to the frameworks I use in my current job.

So like having kids just because? Applying to any grad school just because? Based on my own experiences, it is not a wise thing to do.

Back to the reflections.

That everything has its own timeline and prayers do help me a lot. Being submitted is the best thing I hace done and it does miracles. If it isn’t, I don’t know what to explain why I have been unloved all this time and I got married at the time that it is the least likely to get a relationship, let alone getting married? (Yes, spoiler alert, last-year me)

That being mediocre is okay. I mean, statistically, realistically, even if we are the best in one domain, we will be mediocre in others. Back to my points ‘the why’: why would someone want to be the best in the first place? Just to get validation?

That I don’t need to be ultimately good at your hobbies, that hobbies are for having fun.

That everything and everyone is changing, and it’s okay to have broken past and present.

This is not to say that my problems are solved, or I have unlimited patience, or that I have been “selesai dengan diri sendiri“. Like in every project that I have been to, the identification part is the key.

That done is much better than perfect.

I have learned so much but those texts above are the ones I remember for now and I thank Him for all of this. Alhamdulillah always.

Please pray for me so I can have a strong why to great ‘projects’ in my life: entering marriage life, having kids, school, etc.

That’s all, but I think this picture is appropriate:

N

Hi, you

Happy 29 your age, Vicky Prasetyo would say.

You did a decent job of staying alive. Not bad, but not great either. Just decent enough to be on the thin line of sanity.

Present you are not the same as you were a year ago. Here are some things that you can reread later in case you think your year are entirely wasted.

You learn to stay sane

The hurtful event more than a year ago made you realize that you need help. Professionally. Your confidence is in Mariana trench because you are incompetent and also, the problem that you think the most important since it has haunted you all your life, you are romantically unloved. You seek help. The therapist made you realize that your overthinking is abnormal and you should relax since it hinders you to do anything.

You also learn about emotional first aid. That your rumination is bad. You will watch the video again and again because you always find a new perspective in every problem you face. Do not ruminate. Your emotional hygiene is important.

You learn more about human relationship, in this case, friendship

After years working with people you can call friends, you start working alone, without peers. It is been lonely. It might not really impacted or felt directly, but sure it makes all of this harder. Thankfully, you found a sobat toxic and ghibah. You learn so much about friendships, and you open up about The Problem that referred on the first point. This friend keeps you sane, and maybe someday this sobat toxic read this lol. Also this sobat toxic give you a good link to reflect on lopsided friendship.

You learn to grow and focus

Well, it is still learning, but you think it is a great step. Previously, you just go with the flow, not having any vision on your life, thankfully the flow was good. Part of this was because you were afraid, and part of this was because you don’t realize that you actually can control your own life. Those coaching sessions were really worth-it. You feel like you are lost because.. you don’t have any vision. You don’t know what you will do. You just think that everything which come not effortless is not for you, since you think if Allah really wants you to have it, it will be effortless. You just think somebody will marry you and then you will adjust your path (pffffttt).

You also realize that you have too many ideas but nothing is executed. This year also made you realize that thinking without doing is stressful. You made a roadmap from a workshop about your life journey and you plan to try all of the things you think you are interested in: programming, art, data analysis, linguistics, etc. All this time you think you were interested and will be excellent in particular discipline, while at the same time you never even set foot on it. Kind of like when you think you are secretly talented in ski–you are not.

You learn a bit about relationship

You are still unloved, maybe because you are not worthy of anyone’s love. You are so negative and toxic and you should be complete on your own. You realize you are so negative because nothing good in this department ever happened in your life. At the same time, you are the epitome of ‘belum selesai dengan diri sendiri‘ and it will be dangerous to any relationship–despite the fact that nobody really wants you anyway.

“But why people who aren’t complete on their own already find their love?”, you said. You actually already know the answer: “it is their rizq, you can’t compare”.

Even writing this is really a gamble since it means you open up about things you never reveal to anyone but your therapist and sobat toxic. You read this and this and those articles blow your mind you’ll never think the same again. You also make a framework for yourself to look for trust, respect, and if you are lucky enough, love (of course traffic test is included). Do you trust him? Do you respect him? Does he pass the traffic test?

Also, after several failed offers with a clear intention, you just can’t afford to guess anyone’s intentions. Even when they already passed trust, respect, and traffic test, you just can’t guess unless they told you clearly. Even when your sobat toxic thinks it is a positive sign, it is actually not. You can never guess until they told you clearly. Always assume the worst. And the emotional damage when you realize you are not their priority while you move the world to fit their schedule.. Wow, so bad. You think you can not emotionally recovered from this, but maybe you will eventually.

---

Well maybe that’s all. Enough for a year. Enough for this writing therapy as a way of healing. Maybe you will regret this post, maybe not. You will just have to prepare for unconventional happiness–which not include romantic love, kids, and those things you see on Instagram story. Well, also you did a good job not clicking those stories since most of them are about people in love and they make you sad anyway. Maybe when you have find your peace, you can unmute them again.

Much love and hugs.. I guess.

Yourself.

Welcome to my crib

This is an attempt of closure post since the original is too blurry and it is just not as what I intended if you see it twice on timeline 😭 Damn. Must be a mistake on my part to upload the compressed ones since I too try to upload it first on other accounts (and the app saved it).

This post is actually a cry for help @ God since it is becoming much more improbable to own a nice house for us young people without it is too far from the city and we still don’t have good public transportation system. And well I had too much free time?

So here we are..

Original caption:

Welcome to my crib! Dari dulu pengen banget punya rumah sendiri, di daerah yang mudah diakses (biar commute gampang, murah, dan ga capek ke mana-mana), desain sesuai keinginan, dan lunas sebelum umur aku 30 tahun. Banyak yang bilang ga mungkin, tapi aku percaya mimpi itu bisa diwujudkan bagaimanapun bentuknya. Alhamdulillah, dengan berusaha keras dan tak lupa berdoa, aku berhasil punya rumah sendiri di Brindleton Bay, seharga 49,000 simoleon, lunas. Semuanya mungkin! Asal kamu punya The Sims dan ctrl + shift + c dan masukkan ‘motherlode’. #playwithlife

Untuk desain eksterior dan interiornya sendiri ga mau macam-macam, yang penting terang dan sesuai budget. Rumah terang pangkal tagihan listrik hemat. Jadi di atas atap dipasang genteng kaca biar sinar matahari masuk dengan lancar. Kemudian ada sofa di jendela supaya mudah ngepoin tetangga dan taman depan rumah.

Akhirnya, tentu saja, bisa dilihat di foto terakhir, setelah lelah mengurus berdirinya rumah ini, aku pun kembali ke kamar… dan memainkan The Sims.

Please @etemzone like this as you said that time—I need validation.
#thecrib #thesims4 #thesims #stayandplay #quarantine #🤪

Please take me somewhere far from home

To travel is to learn.

The last time I wander very far from home left me so many things to contemplate. That last time was the first time I feel differences is what makes us rich. That was the wanderlust changing you from inside and reflected on your outside. And it could be from anywhere you walk. There is no such thing as fruitless journey.

To travel is to left you craving for more.. but sometimes there are borders you can’t cross, so you need companions.

To travel is to let you see the big picture you have missed all the time.

“In travel, a companion. In life, compassion” – Japanese proverb

Would you, please?

xoxo

N

One day, someday

I had passed a phase when I watched Finding Nemo every day and mouthing the dialogue, especially Dory’s.

“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”
“Mine?!”
“Yes, I am a natural blue”
“I love games! Pick me! Pick me!”
“He is looking for his son, Fabio”
“P. Sherman, 42 Wally Way, Sydney. I can remember that again!”
“It’s.. a butt!”

etc. My grey cells even remember most of the fishes’ species. Clownfish, regal blue tang, yellow tang, starfishes.. um, I forgot already lol

Growing up with Pixar beautiful and realistic animation makes me dreaming of working in there someday.. also dreaming to make an aquarium of the fishes of Finding Nemo. While I still do not have any resources to do that (my dad had tried to buy 2-3 ocean fishes, but they’re all dead since they need gentle care and neat sea water cycle).. Googling photos of some real life Finding Nemo aquarium is very satisfying. Here are some of them 🙂

Enjoy!

http://www.marinedepot.com/finding-nemo-tank-gang.html

This is a regal blue tang, captured by Marchybum

Long Beach Aquarium (click for the link)

This one is so nice!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKlz_h0vmls

xoxo (another I-should-be-studying-but-I-posted-some-unnecessary-things-instead night)

N

Rainy Mood

Have I told you how much I love rainy days?
The way I seldom bring any umbrellas,
the way I always refuse when my friends offers me their umbrella (if it’s only light to medium rain),
the way it gives me chill,
the way “la pluie” is one of my first French word,
the way I listen to this even on these rainy days
should have told you how much I love it more than sunny ones.

xoxo

N

What did you do on holiday?

Bingung juga jika ditanya seperti itu. Karena sepertinya tiga bulan kemarin bukanlah liburan karena dua bulan pertama dihabiskan dengan kerja praktek yang sedikit menyebalkan tapi menambah banyak pengalaman non-kerja dan sebulan terakhir dihabiskan dengan berpuasa. Di rumah. Deg-degan nunggu pengumuman adik. Dan sebagainya.

Daripada meratapi kembali nasib yang sudah diratapi kemarin, mari menghitung apa saja yang sudah dikerjakan selama liburan:

1. Baca buku! Yeahh. Ini yang paling bikin liburan ini agak ada artinya. Selama liburan ini, saya keliling Westeros, Essos, Tokyo, Capitol, dan banyak lagi. Buku-buku yang dibaca antara lain: A Storm of Swords, A Feast for Crows, Norwegian Wood, Supernova, Catching Fire, A Dance With Dragons, Perahu Kertas, dan banyak bacaan acak lainnya. Total halaman? Karena A Storm of Swords 992 halaman, A Feast for Crows 753 halaman, A Dance With Dragons 1056 halaman, maka totalnya akan melebihi 3000 halaman. Wow!
2. Menemukan arti hidup. Haha apeu. Nggak segitunya sih, tapi jadi menemukan keinginan hidup yang sebenarnya. Traveling, melihat dunia sebanyak-banyaknya, nikah, duit yang banyak, dan lain-lain.
3. Main games komputer! Pasti. Liburan tanpa games adalah liburan yang sia-sia! Beberapa game dijabanin deh. Seperti Chocolatier 2, Beach Life, Annabel, The Sims 3, dan SimCity Social. Nggak kayak gamer-gamer lainnya, saya memang cups banget urusan ini. Sukanya yang sendiri dan strategi, haha.
   

   Chocolatier 2 di bagian Indonesia. Bikin ngiler cokelat. (click for zoom)

4. Mencoba beberapa mal Jakarta. Hampir setiap minggu tujuannya berubah. Grand Indonesia, Plaza Indonesia, Plaza Senayan, FX, EX, Sarinah (eh bukan mal deng), dan sebagainya yang memang berbeda banget dengan mal yang ada di Bandung yang masih bisa terpetakan dengan sekali jalan. Bikin pendatang ngerasa level kampungannya bertambah berkali-kali lipat karena bisa nyasar di dalam ruangan.
5. A Song of Ice and Fire fangirling. Apa ya bahasa Indonesianya “fangirling”? Bingung juga. Intinya sih nyari tahu semua hal yang berhubungan dengan ASOIAF karena GILA BANGET SERIAL ITU ADIKTIF BANGET. Ibarat Harry Potter bagi Nadinastiti berumur 9 tahun, ASOIAF menyihir Nadinastiti yang berumur 20 tahun. UWOW UYEAH!
   

   Hizdahr, Daario, Daenerys, Missandei, by Eleanor Ferguson

6. Ngulang The Big Bang Theory… dan ternyata banyak jokes yang sekarang baru ngerti setelah nonton Star Wars dan berbagai serial fiksi ilmiah lainnya. Haha. Oh, Sheldon!
7. Belajar budaya Jakarta yang.. wow kaka wow~ Beda banget dengan Bandung. Semacam tua di jalan gitu.
8. Belajar bagaimana cara mengelola kosan. Tentu saja belajar dari pengalaman super buruk selama ngekos di kosan mahal yang nggak worth-it. Hahaha.

Eh lumayan banyak juga ternyata! Tapi hanya satu yang kurang. Nggak keluar dari Bandung ataupun Jakarta 😥 Hampa rasanya liburan ini. Terakhir kali keluar pulau udah dua tahun lalu. Huft.. (backsound: It’s all about the money, it’s all about dum-dum-dum-durudum~)

Singkatnya: belum puas liburan!

N

What I Must Do Before 4th June

Since 4th June is the day I start my internship, this is what I have to do:

1. Learn XML
2. Learn XBRL
3. Knows what’s the difference between semantics and syntax
4. Prepare for shirt, pants, etc etc
5. Finish A Storm of Swords
6. Buy a new drink bottle
7. Buy a portable modem + SIM card
8. Search for any mart/ATM nearby office

N.

Bicara Dompet

Setelah dipikir-pikir, saya terakhir kali membeli dompet ketika… SD. Dompet yang dibeli adalah dompet biru bergambar beruang seperti gambar-gambar dari agenda Korea yang grammar Inggrisnya kacau.

Model dompet yang selama ini menemani hidup #ceilee

Kalau tidak salah dompet itu saya gunakan sampai SMP. Karena saya memang tidak suka membawa-bawa sesuatu di tangan, saya lebih suka membawa dompet di tas lalu uangnya dimasukkan ke saku. Dompet pun menjadi sebatas penyimpan kartu yang diperlukan (cuma kartu pelajar dan kartu donor darah). Uang yang dibawa pun tidak banyak karena sudah kebiasaan.

Tapi ternyata kebiasaan ini nggak bisa dibawah ke kehidupan kuliah. Karena terkadang ikut panitia begini begitu yang harus nyimpen nota/bon, perlu duit dadakan jadi harus ngambil di ATM, ada donor darah di kampus, dan lain hal menyebabkan dompet menjadi kebutuhan yang sangat penting. Dari semua hal yang dibawa ke kampus, yang penting ada dua: handphone dan dompet. Hahaha.

Salah satu dompet impian

Selama beberapa tahun terakhir ini dompet saya termasuk jenis dompet kulit bapak-bapak yang tipis. Uang yang ada selalu saya urutkan berdasarkan nominal, sesuai dengan kebiasaan belajar visual (katanya Shahnaz Haque waktu penerimaan mahasiswa baru tahun 2009). Terus ada bagian dompet untuk menyimpan uang yang bukan hak milik dan nota/bon, misalnya buat kepanitiaan dll.

Dompet yang dipakai tiga, tapi modelnya sama semua seperti gambar dompet hitam di atas. Semuanya juga barang hasil nemu di rumah. Mulai dari hadiah tukar kado jaman pisah kelas sampai punya ayah waktu dulu.

Berhubung dompet terakhir dibeli lebih dari enam tahun yang lalu, boleh dong curhat bahwa sekarang saya butuh dompet yang memadai. Karena dompet saya sekarang ada beberapa bagian yang rusak dan membuat kartu berjatuhan. Huftness.

Moga-moga ada yang mau beliin deh, kayak gambar di samping misalnya. Yayaya? *Mata berbinar-binar penuh harapan*

-N

Sigh(s)

via Goodreads

My sixth semester had started three weeks ago, but I still continue my last holiday mission: “reading as many books as you can”. Yeah, I’m still reading A Song of Ice and Fire: A Game of Thrones. It has been a month now and I can’t seem to finish it this week. Holden Caulfield would say, “it killed me” for the story. The book taught me many things, phrases, and words in English. You may read my review as soon as I finish it 😉 (hopefully really really sooooonnn)

I also had seen the first episode of Game of Thrones serials. It was the most thorough book adaptation ever (since I never read The Lord of The Rings haha). I can’t wait to watch more episodes, but.. sigh, I have those works I can’t delay.

This book cover is the version I read. I like the picture, but I never really liked the “movie/serial-poster-as-book-cover” concept. It’s ugly because I always think movie/serial adaptation is a complete different thing from the book.

x